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Monday, February 23, 2015

Parody: Remarks by the President to the National Governors Association | February 23, 2015


(11:27 A.M. EST) THE PRESIDENT:  

Thank you, everybody. (Applause.) Thank you.

Thank you so much..especially you democrats. It really is about me, isn’t it. Everybody, please get off your knees, have a seat and look up here. Welcome to my...I mean the White House once again.  The only thing more glamorous than a black-tie dinner with Hall and Oates is a Q&A with Osama Bin Laden.  (Laughter.) Why are you laughing. That wasn’t one of my jokes. Wait a minute, yes it was. Sorry, you can laugh. So we save the best for last.  I know you guys are excited. Um...I mean that in the gender neutral sense. Women, I know that you are just as excited as the men. We can all be excited together.

I want to thank everybody for being here, especially the three of you who came voluntarily. I’m going to be very brief….Just kidding. Whoops, for a second I almost forgot, words really do mean things. We all know that brief means not very long, right? Now as Joe said...by the way, he’s your vice-president. As president, I get to call him whatever I want….last year was a breakthrough year for the United States. It’s written right here, so it must be true.  Last year, the economy, without the aid of human intervention, created more than three million new jobs. We rounded up since Joe really likes the number three. Then we added a few zeros just for kicks. That’s the best job growth in any single year since the 1990s….the late 90’s. That was Hillary’s husband, right?   The same was true for manufacturing growth.  In fact….’cause I only deal in facts, people…..manufacturing jobs grew even faster than the overall economy. And they are great low wage jobs too. Heck, machines do most of the work now anyway.  But I promised you jobs and I delivered. After we fudged the numbers, we are now able to say that the deficit was cut by two-thirds. Tomorrow, different story. Energy production is at an all-time high. So is California and Colorado, by the way. But not because of oil. It’s all because of Solyndra…..What’s that? Solyndra is out of business?....Well, then it must be because of all them windmills. I prayed real hard and god answered by sending all kinds of tornados and freaky weather. The earth just can’t seem to decide whether it’s cooling or warming. All told, businesses have now created over 12 million jobs over the last five years. Um, that means I’ll have to amend my earlier statement when I said the economy created three million new jobs. C’mon folks, we know it wasn’t the Republicans. And the best news of all -- wages have started to go up. Yup, after I fired those secret service agents who were acting stupidly, I was able to give my staff a few extra dollars a year in their paychecks. It’s just the right thing to do.

So America is as well-positioned as we’ve been in a very long time. God did a great job when he allowed evolution to fix some of his mistakes, don’t you think? And the question is, what kind of choices do we now make together to make sure that that momentum is sustained. Everybody who thinks correctly feels the momentum. I have talked about it before but some of you watch too much Fox News to understand it. I want to emphasize again during our conversations, the belief that middle-class economics is what works -- I’m not just saying that because you make up the largest voting base either. -- the idea that not only do we want the country as a whole to prosper, but we want to make sure that every single person in this country has opportunity; that if they work hard, stop playing so much golf and stop eating fast food, they can get ahead. But not all of you ok. We want to keep some of those hamburger flippers employed. You never know when I might come to your town and need a fix. But that prosperity is broadly shared, especially when it’s spread around. I told you so.  And not only is everybody sharing in that prosperity, but everybody is contributing to that prosperity. Everybody is paying their fair share. Don’t worry, we’ll let you know what that is. I can assure you, it’s more than you can afford. But hey, government is in debt just like you. We’re all in this together. We got to make sure that everybody has got a fair shot, that everybody does their fair share, and everybody is playing by the same set of rules. I’ll be talking to Putin about this in the weeks to come.  We’ve got to make sure that anybody out there, including those who happened to be undocumented, those who is scrimping, pimping and saving, and trying to figure out how to send their kids to college, and worrying about retirement, that they’ve got some sense of security and some sense that they can make it. Let me share my sense with you. As you can hear, I’ve got a lot of it. Damn, this would make a great campaign speech.

…….blah, blah, blah…….

So I’m in the fourth quarter of my presidency, or as some of you might call it -- the kickoff for your campaign season.  (Laughter.) Wow, you laughed so hard that I lost my place. Here’s what I think. I think there’s still a lot that we can get done together. I mean, look how far America has come in just six years under my dictat….I mean leadership. Look how much better off you are all. I think we can build an America that is creating more opportunities for hardworking folks. I would have been working on this for the past six years, but I had my own agenda. Now it’s your turn. I think we can make sure that the future for the next generation is even brighter than the one that we enjoyed…...That was a joke. How come nobody laughed?  Anyway, I look forward to making progress together at the federal and state levels or my middle name isn’t Barack Bipartisan Obama.

Thank you very much, everybody.  (Applause.)  Thank you.
END               


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